One thing that is for certain is that no matter how much the town changes, no matter how many people come and go, the area is still home. Driving down Spring Gulch is still the road I wore out in high school. Even though it is not 4 inches of loose gravel and the washboards don't send you to the other side of the road as you try to make the corner, I remember each turn. My house is no longer there, though I expect to see it every time I come up the hill from the golf course. THIS is still home. It is still a feeling and a sense of peace. A sense of comfort that no matter what happens in my life I still am grounded and I am still okay.
I love being back with my uncles. Seeing Jim and Russell takes me back to being a kid. I get to forget that I am an adult for brief periods of time. Now only if my biggest worry were if I was going to play house in the travel trailer or if one of them would let me go with them to look around the cows. :) Unfortunately, I kinda live in a travel trailer (not near as much to play in) and they don't have so many cows here anymore.
Over all it is good to be here. I am finally coming down off the adrenaline rush of the divorce being over, the domestic being settled and of course the trek across the states. Now I am left here (a very good place) to figure out who I am, what I want and who I want to be. Who knew at almost 43 I would be trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. Ha! The scary thing is I don't HAVE to settle. Throughout most of my life I did things based on what was good for my family. What my husband would be agreeable to, what was good for my children and of course what was beneficial to our home life. Of course Hannah is still my #1 concern and responsibility...but I get to decide for ME. I get to choose who I hang out with, or not. I get to choose where I go, or not. I get to make decisions solely on what I want. Kinda scary. I am also learning that I am not so equipped to make those kinda decisions on most any given day. Excuse me, I'd like to trade in my adult card, I just am not so sure I am cut out for the job. Have YOU stopped to decide what it is that YOU want? I know that for me for more than half my life I did things based on what I thought was best, regardless if it was truly something I WANTED or not. I am not saying throw away your lives, but I challenge you to really investigate yourselves and determine who you are. Because you will end up like me, 42 years old and given the opportunity to go, do and be anything you WANT and be totally ill equipped to make those kind of decisions. I have forgotten how to make decisions and not second guess them. If only life could be as simple as deciding if you want your eggs scrambled or over easy.
So for today I am simply just "being". I have a few weeks to see my friends and go to my old haunts. It is definitely quiet here so talking to God and getting a sense of direction is my main goal. I am certainly not complaining of the everlasting beauty that is around me.