Pull up a chair, this post is going to be a doozie. WARNING: Not for faint at heart.
So you might notice I have not posted for a couple of weeks. So many things have been happening in my world. The biggest is that I have been elbow deep in lesson plans and preparing for another year of homeschool. Cause this year I AM going to be prepared! This year there is not going to be a doubt in my kids' minds that I dont care and dont find them important. I get so wrapped up in life that often times I get behind in my planning. My kids suffer cause I am so busy being a do-gooder for everyone else. We "skip" school, not because of them, but because their no-good mama is too BUSY doing everything but preparing for them.
Many of my readers are homeschoolers. Many understand wholeheartedly. Though some will still look at it like I do, a disgrace. My family is my life. Everything they do is who I am. When I start faltering on that. It is time to make a change.
As of recently I have made some ginormous changes in my world. No longer am I a victim to society. No longer am I going to hide or shield the real happenings because I am afraid of what someone might say, think or judge me by. We are all human. The good, the bad and the ugly. Praise God.
Relax, I am not about to hang my dirty laundry out here in the blog world. I still believe that cleaning should be done behind closed doors, aka the privacy of our own lives. However, there is a difference between dirty laundry and just plain facts and blessings of life. It has taken me a long time to decipher the two, a lifetime infact.
Which brings me to the title of this post. When you cook spaghetti noodles, an old wives tale trick is to gather a noodle from the pot that you are cooking them, then throw it at the fridge. If the noodle sticks and slowly starts to walk downward, you know that the noodles are cooked properly and can drain them in confidence. You have just prepared the perfect meal. No questions asked. I wish our children came with this same trick. Can I just pluck a blessed hair from their heads and come up with some magic potion that says you are doing the right thing? Truth is. No. All ANY mother and father can do is the hope that they are not screwing them up TOO bad.
I have 2 amazing kids. I mean amazing. Yeah, of course I am biased. Of course I would say that even if they were juvenile delinquents. However, they are not...and they ARE good kids. They are the most kind and thoughtful and loving children. I am proud.
With that statement comes a lot of past heart break. My oldest. She told me a couple of years ago that she was gay. That she felt more intune with females than males and that was the choice she was making. Of course I cried. Hours. Days. Thinking that I, as a parent had failed. We are Christians and WE don't believe this! We have been in church and we have surrounded ourselves with other Christians. This is wrong. This is very very very wrong. Where did we as parents screw up? I mean I seriously was pretty sure I had the exact time that all things went hay wire. Then I started to resent my husband. This was HIS fault! Daddy issues! HIS FAULT. The truth of the matter is. It was not either of our faults, any more than it is Heather's. Shes a beautiful young lady. She's incredibly talented and intelligent. She just happens to like girls. So my dreams of her marrying a prince charming have been erased. My hopes and wishes of her to be happy and in a loving relationship, however, have not. She is still my daughter. She still has dreams.
For many months I have considered this dirty laundry. Stuff to keep hushed. Because its distasteful to many and how can we accept her when our faith is so strongly against the subject? The truth of the matter. This is between her and God. Heather has ALWAYS been different. Since she was VERY little. So to say it was a shock. No. I can't. Do I think she woke up one day and decided this? No. I just think she decided to embrace it. For me, it has taken a little longer. For many it will take a lot longer still. That is ok. When you compare this lifestyle to Christianity. NONE of us have any right to judge or ridicule ANYONE. It is not our place. God said love. I still have several issues within my own beliefs and understanding. But those are MY issues. Those are MY problems. Not hers.
Of course as a parent, I hate that the road ahead of her is going to be so hard. That her safety will often times be at risk. I hate that she will have to prove herself in merely everything she does. But if anyone that I know can handle it, it is her. And when she finds that special someone we will embrace them as well.
This is a video I encourage you to watch. Hard=Hard.
So there is no spaghetti trick to tell me she is "done" and cooked perfectly. There is a special feeling a parent gets that says she is going to be alright tho. She loves Jesus. She is very strong. Very determined and very empowered to make the world a better place. So the way I see it, thats cooked pretty close to perfect. That my friends, is NOT dirty laundry. THAT is a person embracing who they are and THAT is a blessing!
******EDITED to add this note. In NO way whatsoever do I believe that my daughter is broken and needs fixed. In no way do I think she is wrong or unacceptable. I simply shared with you, my experiences as a parent, the trials and tribulations that I have had to face. These are my OWN personal battles. They have absolutely NOTHING to do with Heather. It is simply the full circle that I have had to encompass to get to where I am today. I was not an understanding mom in the beginning. I was not so accepting and encouraging. I am ashamed I was often times downright mean and hurtful to Heather. I have continually asked for forgiveness. The fact that we have such a great relationship shows how wonderful of a person she is. I am so proud of her NOT conforming to society. NOT conforming to be what everyone else wants her to be. She is true to herself and there is NOTHING in this world that I would "fix" about that.