Mar 3, 2016

A Letter to Me

First and foremost, loving me some MOJO MONDAYS!  This is another fun one just using the different patterns in a pack.  Love me some matt stacks too!  :)

Isn't life amazing?  I have really good days and of course I have some not so fabulous days.  Sometimes it takes those that are closest to us and that love us most to determine when things are not quite right.  Sometimes it takes the advice of someone much older to talk sense into us, sometimes we just have to learn the hard way.  In my case, over and over and over.  

Do you ever wish you could write a letter to yourself back when you were young?  Advising of all the pitfalls in life, telling yourself which moments to really enjoy and which ones to not lose sleep over?

As you all know I am a letter writer.  I always feel like I can say so much more when I write it down.  Talking tends to come out of me more like the speech of an epileptic walrus, but give me pen and paper and I will give you a tour of my soul.  

Back in college, when I seriously had everything I could possibly need handed to me on a silver platter, I got stars in my eyes and followed a boy to Nashville.  I should have stayed in college, gotten my degree and then went after that boy.  I should have listened to my grandma and my mom and their opinions of such. When I was convinced that marrying was the right thing to do and our wedding was planned in less than 2 months, I would have told myself not to.  Marriage can wait.  I was a kid.  I didn't even know what I wanted, let alone how to take care of a family.  I still had stars in my eyes from being in Nashville.  When I was in such a hurry to have a baby, I definitely would have told myself to enjoy the world.  Enjoy the man I married and build those foundations that are ever so important further in life and in marriage.  I was but a child myself, I didn't know how to be a parent to one.  Stop the rush.  Even then at this point in time I'd have pleaded with myself to go back to school.  Sure it would have been tough, but it would have been worth it.  It was then that I would have stressed the importance of taking care of myself and my body.  I probably would tell myself that quitting work at the church was the worst decision I could have made.  I loved that job and I was good at it.  I would have told myself that our precious 2nd baby girl was going to be ok, even after a life flight, blood transfusions and countless hours of lost sleep in the NICU.  I would have told myself that moving to Virginia was just the beginning of countless moves that it really wasn't the answer to fix our problems, that RSC would not be the company my husband would retire from (nor would the next one, or next...). I would have told myself that everything was going to be ok when Heather was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes even though it crippled me into a crying fit on the pavement behind my car.  I would have told myself that even though living in the area during the times of The Beltway Sniper was horrible, and that I would see things that I couldn't unsee, I would be ok.  I would congratulate myself on my career in real estate.  I would say that it is the one thing that is going to be constant in my life, use it and perfect my skills constantly.  

I would tell myself not to purchase our home in Tennessee.  It is too big and ridiculous for us and will be a prison to me long after I've moved out.  I would tell myself that the girls are going to turn into remarkable young ladies.  I would also tell me not to flip out so much when Heather announced that she was a lesbian or wanted a tattoo or shaved her head.  I would be sure that I let her know that I was a person she could trust instead of ridiculing her.  I would love her a little deeper.  I would tell myself to relax with Hannah.  She's amazing and incredibly wise.  I would enjoy the fact that we are practically twins in so many ways, and respect her for the ways that we are different.

I would tell myself to cherish all relationships with those I love.  Some people will die, some people will just move on, but each and every one matter.  I would tell myself that no matter how much you think you know a person, you really have no clue, guard your heart, not everyone has its best interest in mind.  I would tell myself that money can break you just as much as not having it, be wise. 

I would tell myself that if a human gets hurt it is in their nature to hurt back.  Some make it their life's work, avoid these people at all costs. No matter how much I want to believe the good in people, some are just not capable, avoid them, they will NEVER be who I think they are.   I would tell myself that I am perfect.  My weight, the length of my hair, the silly little quirks that make me who I am...I need to own them and NEVER let anyone make me feel ashamed for them. I would tell myself that I AM beautiful.  That my heart is pure and to never lose that, to not let life's trials and tribulations turn me bitter.   I would promise without a doubt that there are people who can and do love me for exactly who I am.  They will tell me that I am beautiful and I will even start to believe them.
I would say that material things don't matter.  I would say that the opinions of others don't matter.  I would remind myself that I am intelligent and even after making the biggest decision of my life: to divorce, I WILL BE OKAY.  My only advice would maybe be....don't wait.

I would promise that the tears shed will get less and less.  The days that I feel sad will dwindle and the doubt that I had made a mistake will vanish without a single trace.  The desire to fix things in my divorce will go away.  The desire to have my husband like me will go away.  To solely focus on my daughter's well being will be the only thing we will need to share and once I accept this fully, I will find true peace.  I will find happiness in myself and my career, in the friendships and relationships I make along the way.  I will rekindle relationships that I didn't know had suffered through the course of our marriage.  I will be happy.  I WILL BE BETTER THAN OKAY.

I would tell myself to relax and get giddy at the excitement of my future.  I would tell myself that God's got me and there is nothing that is greater than that. I would tell myself that my happiness is obtainable and that things are working out just fine.  :)  I would tell myself that NO ONE has the power to control my emotions.  Unless they make me happy, then by all means let them have full reign and eat that stuff up.  I would take a selfie the first time I realized that I wasn't being jerked around by the emotional ropes.  I might even frame it.  I would remind myself that it is a good thing to be in control of myself, regardless of what others do or don't do.

There is of course a lot of things that I would love to change all together. Things that definitely do not seem like they were worth the pain of enduring throughout my life. However I believe everything happens for a reason without a doubt.  I have bumps and bruises, scars and emotions that one simply doesn't get by standing on the side lines.  I wont trade those.  Not a single one.

Because you know what?


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