Aug 15, 2016

May all your wishes come true

The photo is horrible as I didn't have my camera with me, just my phone but Hannah finally got to see a moose!  Well, actually 4 of them.  Hoping that we can drive back up and maybe see them again.

Things have been a little emotional since I got here.  Though it is incredibly awesome to see my friends, call on family that I haven't seen in years and go to all of my old hang outs, many aspects of it have been very depressing.  Many days I have felt like a lost puppy just wandering around looking for my place in this world.  Though we had already decided to leave earlier than we had originally planned I had even considered loading everything up and leaving this week.  Running away seemed way more exciting and fulfilling than staying here and figuring out why I am feeling the way I am.  

I have been feeling like I got shortchanged.  Like I am home and it feels like home why don't I feel all warm and fuzzy?  Why am I not instantly renewed and know my sense of purpose?  The thing is, this area is amazing and yes, it does feel very much like home, home is a feeling.  Home is the smells that instantly take you back to a memory.  Home is the way the hay tickles your legs as you walk through it.  Home is when people recognize you and call you by name.  Home is even knowing that someone knows your every move before you do.  Even though I was feeling all of those things, and was so grateful to be here, I wasn't getting any thoughts of purpose.  Any reasoning of where I was supposed to be or not be.

Then I was lucky enough to go out with my uncle last night.  A few hours of driving around and talking completely grounded me.  I was reminded of my roots, of who I am and who I want to be.  I have a long way to go to get there, but at least I have a sense of what that is now.  Being with Jim made everything else seem so insignificant.  All of the emotional battle scars I have from the last year are just that, scars.  Things to remind me of my past but definitely not things that define who I am.  Without saying much of anything about anything his presence made it clear that I am responsible for my own life.  People are gonna be people.  Things are gonna happen.  My thoughts, actions & reactions are the only things I can control.  If I make stupid decisions and get awful results, what exactly did I EXPECT to happen?  Sure you can be mad at other people, you can hate God for letting things happen or you can hate others for what they have done to you, but the real truth of the matter is--what is your responsibility in the situation?  Did you make wise decisions?  Did you do what you could to make it right?  Chances are the outcome had something to do with you not doing either of those things.  Not always-- I mean bad things happen all the time however, many are self inflicted.  At least in my own life.  :)

So, I am continuing on with meeting peeps, with seeing the sites and enjoying the things I wanted to enjoy while here.  I hope to get a few more country drives in with Jim and a few outings with Russell.  I am so glad that Hannah was with us last night.  She can now understand my longing to go "home" and how much simpler life is really intended to be and how much easier things really are when you take out all of the dramatics.  

I have been so stuck in my own head that I have acted just like a ping pong ball, reacting as the world pushed me from side to side.  I am definitely not saying I have it all figured out now, cause Lord knows I havent.  However I at least have stopped bouncing back and forth.  So, stay tuned.  The spitfire in me will return and once again I will move mountains.  However right now, I think I need to decide which mountains need moving first.

Hope you have been able to get inky.  Much love to you all.  ((HUGS))


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