Feb 17, 2016

So here I sit

So, here I sit.  Staring at this blank screen.  You all are expecting something profound and I gotta tell ya there are days that I just don't have anything witty or profound to share.  Some days are simply that...a blank slate.   For the last few months I have been splashing all kinds of colors on my life's canvas.  Learning my new freedom.  Learning how to take care of myself and how to do things on my own.  It is fun and exciting and colorful.  The splashes are wonderful and enlightening.  However if you don't have a plan and a goal those colors fade.  Those colors run down off the board and once again you are left with a blank canvas.  Some people go through their entire life simply reapplying color.  I am not saying that that is not great. All I am saying is that I want a lasting masterpiece on my canvas.  When I get to the end of my life I want to look at it and say wow....this is something great.  

I have my past in one corner.  It was beautiful.  It had all shades of the rainbow and of course a few of the darker colors as well, but it was perfectly molded. In another corner I have my beautiful kids, ...very colorful with intricate designs~  I am happy with those things. No of course they aren't perfect but they are exactly what made me who I am today.

 However, staring here at vast majority of my canvas I just see white.  Of course I have ideas of what I'd love to paint.  I have ideas of how I'd like it to go.  The whiteness is crippling though.  It is scary and overwhelming.  My whole life I have lived with the agenda of being a mom and a wife.  Suddenly I am having an identity crisis.  I have to be ME.  That's hard.  The other day I talked about how empowering it is to stand on my own two feet.  Which indeed it really is.  I love conquering things.  But as I sit here with a my canvas I am nearly paralyzed.  Learning to be who I am {alone} is the scariest thing I have EVER had to do.  I love myself and I truly enjoy being with myself, but doing things just for ME is something that goes against every grain in my body.  I am a caregiver.  I give care to others, that is how I know that I am okay.

In no way am I crying in soup here.  My life is good. I am happy. My God is an amazing God who has blessed me with greatness every single minute of every single day.  I have 2 amazing beautiful daughters that are growing in to great young adults.  I have awesome friends and an resilient family that has never left my side.  I know that my blessings are abundant.  However, as an artist, that first drop of paint that is transferred from the brush to the canvas is scary.  It is so tempting to go back to my corners that are already beautifully down and play with those a bit more.  Reexamining them to see if there isn't SOMETHING I can add to them.  However, my kids are teenagers and I am "mom", so me messing too much with the colors of them is just not allowed.  Their corner is in beautiful watercolors, constantly flowing from one color to the next I am just happy to be a part of that flow.

  Then the corner with my past.  Of course there are some dark blotches that I really think could use some brighter shades, but I can't change those either for the colors of my past are in Sharpie Marker.  Sharpies don't forgive.  Sharpies don't allow you to make changes to them. They are what they are.  As dark as those places are though, there are some wonderfully bright spots too.  But altering the sharpie masterpiece is just not an option either.

So here I am again, back to the whiteness.  I don't want to just keep throwing colors up there to watch them drip to the floor.  I don't want to live in idle anymore.  I want to paint my masterpiece.  First though, I have to find my courage.  The courage that says I am OK.  The courage that says I can paint any way I choose and that will be ok too, even if doesn't match my corners, even if I mess up along the way.  So today...I stare at whiteness waiting for God to lead me in the direction I am supposed to go. Daily my Sharpie colored past grows.  Daily dots of color are added.  

I want to live with purpose.  I want to paint my masterpiece to be lived instead of just letting my past take over my canvas.  I am going to have a corner that is my past, that will grow with each passing moment whether I do anything with my life or not. 

If we do not determine what our purpose is, our past is going to crowd out the white space that we have to paint our masterpieces in. I don't want this, do you?

So today...I wait for God to tell me what to paint.  Today I rest in Him and His timing.  Today I have faith that He knows what my masterpiece is and if I keep seeking Him, I will learn my purpose before my past has consumed me or worse yet I get to the end of my life and am staring at a canvas with faded temporary colors.

Unity stamps Rule!!  This is just a quick little card I did for a friend who just received some bad news.

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