There are so many things that happen in my world that never make it to my blog, facebook, twitter or even out of the walls of my own little universe. I am not a believer in airing one's dirty laundry to anyone other than a choice few friends and confidants. However there comes a time when it no longer becomes just trials and tribulations of a persons daily routine. There is a point when it is truly one's reality. One that consumes a person from head to toe, morning to night and with every breath.
That is where I am. About 2 weeks ago I filed for divorce. We had just celebrated our 22nd anniversary. At least 22nd on paper. Though our relationship had been struggling for years. I wont share details as I still don't believe it is the world's business. But I also know I have a few followers that panic when I don't post.
I want you all to know exactly where I am. I love my husband. He is a wonderful person and I wish him well, true happiness and peace. But the truth is that we are not good for each other. His faults hurt me and mine him. We are oil and vinegar -- tho we compliment each other on many levels, there are many that we just never are going to meld on. Those that are bad for each of us. Those that have caused both of us to suffer.
You, along with everyone else are wondering what the heck?? You thought we were good, you thought we were happy? Yeah....I am exhausted from holding up that charade. I am so tired of pretending. I am so depleted from trying to convince everyone my life is a fairy tale. Which in many aspects it absolutely true. I have beautiful kids, wonderful loving inlaws, an amazing home, chickens, amazing friends, my absolutely wonderfully supporting family....and the list goes on for miles.
Please know this is NOT a bashing of my husband. In no way do I wish to paint a bad picture of him. Throughout this process it has been tough. Mourning the loss of hopes and dreams. Scared to death of my new freedom. Scared to death of being on my own. Scared to death for my kids that have been forced on this rollercoaster of a ride. The emotional pain and stress is crazy intense. I feel as though I am watching my whole life through a picture window. Coming to grips with the fact that I may have not only said good bye to my husband but also to my best friend. Learning new ways to cope, trying to make good choices, even though deciding what to eat for breakfast even seems to be too much on most days, much less life decisions.
But then I smile and remind myself why I am doing this. I am doing it for me. I have somewhere lost myself. I no longer had hopes and dreams of bettering myself, but rather just surviving. I was so beat down and weak that each day looked like the last. When you are in a relationship full of toxicity one cant see whats wrong for the fog. One cant see that they are just as much to blame as the person causing them the pain, but one does reach a point when they cant do it anymore.
I bought this ring today. It says hope~love~faith. I purposely bought it to fit half way on my ring finger to remind myself that with faith, hope and love for myself I will find happiness again. God's already handled all of this. Ive prayed for forgiveness. I have talked countless hours with Him and found a great deal of peace in Him. I know that by loving myself and getting myself in a good place will attract healthy relationships and of course never lose hope. It wont replace my wedding ring, but it is a reminder that I am going to be ok. No matter what, I am going to be ok.
I am also getting very serious about my certification. I am studying solar engineering. I am trying to get certified to install, sell and advise on solar electricity. It is soooo hard for me to wrap my brain around it and I am certain that learning to speak Latin would be so much easier. I want a trade that can take me higher than I have ever been. One that I can go ANYWHERE with. Even if that means I end up in that one room cabin in Alaska. I know that my lifetime career in real estate administration would get me a decent paying job and that I could make it just fine doing that. But I do not want to go back to an 8-5 job and I think I am worth so much more than that. I want to conquer this challenge. For me. I need to for me.
I was able to get away to a stamping retreat this weekend. It was a great distraction and it was soooo awesome to see all of my friends. I will one day find my mojo again soon. I will one day be back in the craft room creating non stop. Until then, friends please pray for my family. There's lots of heart ache, there's lots of uncertainty and a lot more emotions than any of us even knew we had. We are all going to be ok, but it is just going to take awhile.