Moving on Up!

Unfortunately Blogspot isn't so user friendly anymore and I no longer have the ability to edit my blog.  I can add posts but I cant update any of the side bar or other information.  That so doesnt work for me so I have packed her up and moved on out!  I have a really simple new site for you.  Are you ready?


TheDomesticBriefcase.com


No really...that's it.  Isnt that simple?  I am still trying to get everything back up and running but I wanted to at least let you all know that I am indeed out here.

Love ya.....mean it!

Update

OK, ok ok!!  I am here!  I am updating you!!

So sorry I have not been regular about blogging, seriously I have not had the time!!  While my aunts have been away on their RV trip across America I have been redecorating their house!  It is a huge project but  I am having a total and complete blast!!  However it is keeping me REALLY busy.  So far I have the main living areas done and have started on the bedrooms.  I will share photos with you when they get back.  As for now it is a big secret!  :)

Overall I am doing REALLY well.  I have met some amazing people here and (whispers) don't tell anyone but I really really like Oregon.  I am surrounding myself with people that make me laugh constantly and I am enjoying just being myself.  It is so important to find people that encourage you and are honest with you.  I have one that makes me feel amazing about myself and so even when I am having a not so great day he reminds me to smile and live life to the fullest.  I love that.  Either that or he says something completely demented and I cant help but forget my own thoughts.  If you don't have at least one of these people you must go find one, now.

However I of course still have my Banana!  She will be returning from Florida tomorrow--escaping hurricane Matthew I hope.  She is doing good and she likes it here in Oregon too.  Who knows what the spring will hold for us.  Maybe we will build our cabin here.  :)  However Montana is still in the scope.

In November I will go back to Tennessee and get my car.  I sure do miss my Roxy! I am also excited to see my peeps.

So my book came back from the professor with reviews and ideas for ending it.  I have a lot of work to do to get it rewritten and ready to be presented to be published.  I am having a hard time though because I am not quite so passionate about the story as I was while writing it the first time.  I was living it then with my head in the clouds, now that my head is back in reality it is hard to feel the same awesomeness.  Though the review I got back was stunning...."Girl, you are the next NYC best selling author, get this done and get it published, everyone needs to hear you!"  You'd think that would be passion enough right?  I imagine I will have time this winter to plunk away at it.

So there hasn't really been an update because everything is going great.  I don't have any real earth shattering news to share. I am just doing my thing.  I havent gotten inky since I have been here.  Haven't even unpacked any of that stuff.  Again, I imagine the winter will lend more time for that.

Anyways--I gotta get off of here, I have appointments and things to get done.  Thank you everyone for your posts, calls, emails, texts etc.  I am doing really really good.  I can honestly say that from the bottom of my heart.

Lotsa Layers

Being home has been amazing.  I looove seeing my family and friends.  The other day was sooo awesome.  I went for a drive, lookin for a mountain I thought I could climb...found one, pulled over and did just that.  No I was not mauled by a bear though I did get flogged by a flock of grouse.  I made it to the top and back down without killing myself.  It was soooo perfect being up there on the top though.  It was so quiet.  It was so peaceful.  It was so real.  Must make it a point to do that more often.

Look at this MOOSE!!!  We saw it the other night on our way out to the chuckwagon.  He was right along side of the road, just doing his thing. Ginormous and ohhh so powerful!

I am doing GOOD!  I have been doing a lot of soul searching.  It has been really enlightening to pull back the layers and decide who I really am.  Some aspects, not so great.  In fact some are downright horrible.  But I believe, like lasagna, all of these components of life are what make us who we are.  Ha!  Don't you love my metaphor there?  I thought of it as I was making our dinner tonight.  Lasagna without being all together is just some meat and cheese and noodles.  But crafted into layers you get the perfect bite each time.  Even though I have just begun this process of finding myself I am trying to keep in mind that the best lasagna has a lot of layers.  I am also learning that I am in control of my thoughts and I am usually my own worst enemy because I let my thoughts run amok.  

So, I am trying to find ways to take control over my thoughts.  I just signed up for some writing workshops.  I am soooo excited and hope to get the novel finished soon.  I hope to find a person that can help me figure out how to end it and wrap it all up in a nice little bow, then start the process of finding someone to get it into print. AGH!  Scary!  

Got to go to the Bar J Chuckwagon the other night.  It was sooo much fun!!  The food was pretty amazing and it so happens I got sat next to a hawt cowboy.  LOL  He was from Tennessee!!  He now lives in Arkansas and was helping a friend out with some mules up the Gros Ventre.  However he also told me he was stationed at Fort Campbell for a bit.  WOW!!  What are the chances of that???  Hahahaha-  It was a fun night, he was very nice and of course the show was perfect!!  Definitely a great memory made there.  It was so much fun to see the old timers and of course good to laugh!  For those of you that don't know, Bar J Wranglers are western comedian singers that perform at a dinner theater here in town (well outside of town).   They serve this amazing chuck style meal and then they joke and sing afterwards.  If you are ever here, you should really check em out.

Phenomenal talent

Babe Humphrey, founded Bar J Wranglers almost 40 years ago.

We have done our share of the tourist things while here too.  Of course being under the antler arches is a must when you come.  :)  

Hoping that we get some rain here soon.  More fires are starting and the smoke is insane.  It is so dry.

May all your wishes come true

The photo is horrible as I didn't have my camera with me, just my phone but Hannah finally got to see a moose!  Well, actually 4 of them.  Hoping that we can drive back up and maybe see them again.

Things have been a little emotional since I got here.  Though it is incredibly awesome to see my friends, call on family that I haven't seen in years and go to all of my old hang outs, many aspects of it have been very depressing.  Many days I have felt like a lost puppy just wandering around looking for my place in this world.  Though we had already decided to leave earlier than we had originally planned I had even considered loading everything up and leaving this week.  Running away seemed way more exciting and fulfilling than staying here and figuring out why I am feeling the way I am.  

I have been feeling like I got shortchanged.  Like I am home and it feels like home why don't I feel all warm and fuzzy?  Why am I not instantly renewed and know my sense of purpose?  The thing is, this area is amazing and yes, it does feel very much like home, home is a feeling.  Home is the smells that instantly take you back to a memory.  Home is the way the hay tickles your legs as you walk through it.  Home is when people recognize you and call you by name.  Home is even knowing that someone knows your every move before you do.  Even though I was feeling all of those things, and was so grateful to be here, I wasn't getting any thoughts of purpose.  Any reasoning of where I was supposed to be or not be.

Then I was lucky enough to go out with my uncle last night.  A few hours of driving around and talking completely grounded me.  I was reminded of my roots, of who I am and who I want to be.  I have a long way to go to get there, but at least I have a sense of what that is now.  Being with Jim made everything else seem so insignificant.  All of the emotional battle scars I have from the last year are just that, scars.  Things to remind me of my past but definitely not things that define who I am.  Without saying much of anything about anything his presence made it clear that I am responsible for my own life.  People are gonna be people.  Things are gonna happen.  My thoughts, actions & reactions are the only things I can control.  If I make stupid decisions and get awful results, what exactly did I EXPECT to happen?  Sure you can be mad at other people, you can hate God for letting things happen or you can hate others for what they have done to you, but the real truth of the matter is--what is your responsibility in the situation?  Did you make wise decisions?  Did you do what you could to make it right?  Chances are the outcome had something to do with you not doing either of those things.  Not always-- I mean bad things happen all the time however, many are self inflicted.  At least in my own life.  :)

So, I am continuing on with meeting peeps, with seeing the sites and enjoying the things I wanted to enjoy while here.  I hope to get a few more country drives in with Jim and a few outings with Russell.  I am so glad that Hannah was with us last night.  She can now understand my longing to go "home" and how much simpler life is really intended to be and how much easier things really are when you take out all of the dramatics.  

I have been so stuck in my own head that I have acted just like a ping pong ball, reacting as the world pushed me from side to side.  I am definitely not saying I have it all figured out now, cause Lord knows I havent.  However I at least have stopped bouncing back and forth.  So, stay tuned.  The spitfire in me will return and once again I will move mountains.  However right now, I think I need to decide which mountains need moving first.

Hope you have been able to get inky.  Much love to you all.  ((HUGS))

Life is sooo magical!

This morning as I was working and doing what I needed to do before I headed out on our adventure I came across this quote. 

When something bad happens, you have three choices: You can either let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you.

It dawned on me, especially in reading back through some of my recent posts, that I often times am very guilty of letting things define who I am.  My divorce especially.  I was so consumed by it that I felt like everyone who I encountered needed to know that I was going through a divorce.  Everyone needed to know that we were living in an RV.  Truth of the matter, those things just don't matter. My RV is rocking cool and the divorce rarely crosses my mind anymore.  So onward and upward to find out who exactly I am.  

Did you know?  It is absolutely possible to exist without your cellphone on your body?  For the whole entire day??  I didn't.  For the last year my phone has been an appendage. I can only imagine the things that I missed while living inside of my little pink covered box.  I was so worried that I was going to miss a text or a call that it seriously NEVER left my side.  So today I took a chance---are you ready for this?  I wore my watch so I'd know what time it was.  Then (gasp!) I took pictures with my camera.  The real live one.  And you know what else?    Before we left, I sent messages to those that needed to know of our whereabouts then, I turned my phone off!  Guess what????  Life went on!!  The messages I missed while enjoying my daughter were okay and I will handle them in the morning.  

Looking forward to living like this more often.  :)

So we had a FULLLLLLL day!!  Yellowstone was just as beautiful as I had remembered.  It was incredible and we have decided that we have to go back up and take advantage of the 7 day pass.  We drove the entire loop around but didn't have enough day light to see everything.  Then we spent a LONG time in traffic because someone hit a bear on the way out of the park.  :(  So sad.

I have over 100 pics to share, but I just wanta post this one tonight.  The wildlife was very scarce today.  Like everything that we saw was at dusk.  

These guys were RIGHT beside us.  As in, as soon as I snapped this pic of him looking straight at me we backed waaaay up!  They were way more interested in eating than us.  However I did not feel the need to be a statistic.  It was an AMAZING day!!  Hannah and I had a reaaaaaaallly good time together.  Long talks.  Long walks.  Long silences.  Just really enjoyed being together.  I've missed that.  I seem to have been so consumed with other things that  I was missing out on her-- 

And as promised.  More ink to share with you:

WOW! You all are lightening quick!!

Thank you to those of you who emailed me and messaged me this morning before I took down my post.  Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and thank you for the pep talks.  For those of you that missed it, it was a rant over a recent transition and I thought it was kinda of poor judgement after I posted it, so I deleted it.  (Obviously not quick enough!  :) ) 

People come in and out of our lives.  Some stay a really long time and others for just a short period.   I am ever so grateful for the time I got to spend with my friend.  I have lasting memories that I will cherish for forever with him.  However the season is over.  Time for new things.  New adventures and new growth.  This trip was planned as a passageway to our future (for Hannah and I).  I have faith that God knows when it is time to let things go.  I am grateful for the things I learned and the experiences I had but obviously it is time for that to be over.  Now I prepare for what lies ahead.  It is actually really exciting.

One thing is to get back to blogging and posting cards.  Ha!  Imagine that, actually posting things that this blog was designed for.  I am having a really hard time getting my photo editing software on my computer.  It is most frustrating as I feel like I am limping along.  I guess I need to take the time to fool with it and call customer support.  ARGH.

So tomorrow we are making our way up to Yellowstone.  It has been a lota years since I have been and of course Hannah has never been.  Hoping to get a lot of pictures and really enjoy the day.  Might even see us some Mooses.  :)  

So I leave you with this thought.  Remember that things change.  NOTHING stays the same.  Cherish each moment and try your best not to turn bitter when those times end.  Reflect back on em and smile.  It has taken me all day and a plethora of emotions but honestly I am okay and ready for the next thing.  

We're Here

Home.  Being back in Jackson (WY) has been bittersweet.  I absolutely adore seeing my friends and family.  Though the locals are a bit more spread out and not seen at every angle, they are here.  I am so excited, a friend and I had a glorious time at the Village last week.  I hadn't ridden the tram in probably 35 years.  It was so cool to go up top.  It was amazing to look down and see my RV from way up there.  We had a great day playing tourist in what is truly God's country.  The valley is still really smokey from all of the fires around.  So I didn't really get any amazing photos looking down, but the day will be forever etched in my mind.  For those of you that don't know, the tram goes to the top of Rendezvous Mountain elevation of 10,450.  It certainly was more difficult to breath up there that is for sure!!  But it was soooo neat to look straight across at the Grand.

One thing that is for certain is that no matter how much the town changes, no matter how many people come and go, the area is still home.  Driving down Spring Gulch is still the road I wore out in high school.  Even though it is not 4 inches of loose gravel and the washboards don't send you to the other side of the road as you try to make the corner, I remember each turn.  My house is no longer there, though I expect to see it every time I come up the hill from the golf course.  THIS is still home.  It is still a feeling and a sense of peace.  A sense of comfort that no matter what happens in my life I still am grounded and I am still okay.

I love being back with my uncles.  Seeing Jim and Russell takes me back to being a kid.  I get to forget that I am an adult for brief periods of time.  Now only if my biggest worry were if I was going to play house in the travel trailer or if one of them would let me go with them to look around the cows.  :)  Unfortunately, I kinda live in a travel trailer (not near as much to play in) and they don't have so many cows here anymore.  

Over all it is good to be here.  I am finally coming down off the adrenaline rush of the divorce being over, the domestic being settled and of course the trek across the states.  Now I am left here (a very good place) to figure out who I am, what I want and who I want to be.  Who knew at almost 43 I would be trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Ha!  The scary thing is I don't HAVE to settle.  Throughout most of my life I did things based on what was good for my family.  What my husband would be agreeable to, what was good for my children and of course what was beneficial to our home life.  Of course Hannah is still my #1 concern and responsibility...but I get to decide for ME.  I get to choose who I hang out with, or not.  I get to choose where I go, or not.  I get to make decisions solely on what I want.  Kinda scary.  I am also learning that I am not so equipped to make those kinda decisions on most any given day.  Excuse me, I'd like to trade in my adult card, I just am not so sure I am cut out for the job.  Have YOU stopped to decide what it is that YOU want?  I know that for me for more than half my life I did things based on what I thought was best, regardless if it was truly something I WANTED or not.  I am not saying throw away your lives, but I challenge you to really investigate yourselves and determine who you are.  Because you will end up like me, 42 years old and given the opportunity to go, do and be anything you WANT and be totally ill equipped to make those kind of decisions.  I have forgotten how to make decisions and not second guess them.  If only life could be as simple as deciding if you want your eggs scrambled or over easy.  

So for today I am simply just "being".  I have a few weeks to see my friends and go to my old haunts.  It is definitely quiet here so talking to God and getting a sense of direction is my main goal.  I am certainly not complaining of the everlasting beauty that is around me.

And we are rolling...

This year has certainly been an adventure!!  

I have experienced things I never thought I would, mostly good, some, not so much.  I had to relearn to live with out the family that I had basically lived more than half my life with.  I gave up my best friends.  Funny thing, divorce has many fatalities, not just the marriage.  Slowly though I believe I am returning to the person I once was.  I am finding my happiness and learning to laugh again.  It is hilarious to talk with people throughout our community to hear the kinds of things that have been said about me.  At first it truly hurt my feelings.  These people that I had worked so very hard to build a rapport with, were now caught in the crossfires of 'he said she said'.  I am grateful to know that most of them know me and know what I stand for and my reputation is still intact.    

We went from living in an almost 7,000 sq foot home down to 350 sq feet.  An experience I am ever ever so grateful for.  In an early court mediation I lost all of the contents of our home except for my personal items.  I was scared to death to lose custody of Hannah and was advised to let those things go instead.  Though I definitely don't agree with it, this little fiasco taught me just how 'little' we need to make us happy.  It taught me that people are what are important, NOT stuff.  I am sooo grateful for our little home and most of all for the amazing relationship I still have with both of my girls.  In the end it is all that matters.  All that stuff had memories of some sort attached so I am happy for new beginnings.  A whole new life with the people I love and the people who want to see me succeed.  I have zero regrets in my marriage.  It was a great part of my life.  However, I sure am excited to be on my way to the future!!

I am learning how to do things by myself that I never would have taken the chance with before.  Three days ago, I loaded Heather's car onto a dolly, secured it and got it ready to roll...BY MYSELF!  Three days ago, with the help of Hannah we were able to secure the bike to the back of the RV.  It is on there so tight, Hannah asked if we were going to have to cut the straps to get it down.  We did that BY OURSELVES.  Three days ago, though with help from a friend and his route expertise, I made the decision of where we were going and how to get there.  Three days ago, we broke down and got the RV ready for a long haul trip.  Three days ago my darling Hannah, 3 cats and I left Tennessee.  You see, for some this is not such a huge thing.  You must however realize I have never even driven a moving truck, much less a 38' motor home towing a fullsize car.  I can now maneuver it through parking lots and through city traffic, in rain and wind.  I have totally got this and I don't NEED a man to help me.  This is soooooo empowering! 

Our trip has been excellent so far!  We are somewhere in Missouri this morning in a darling little RV park.  The people are soooo sweet and have been ever so helpful.  I felt my head swell up big when after I parked the rig last night and stepped out.  The old man told me I did excellent and seemed to know what I was doing.  Ha! He has no idea how far from the truth THAT is!  I am pretty confident in the set up and break down of all the connections.  The leveling and the jacks and all that stuff.  It is just our way of life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I guess with more miles and a few thousand more stops I will feel like I know what the heck I am doing as far as driving it.

The cats have done fairly well.  Felix quickly retreats to under the couch as soon as she hears the engine start.  Majik paces but doesn't seem to be too stressed out. Edgar...he tends to not know what the heck to do with himself.  He is a good co-pilot tho.  He spends a lot of time in my lap or Hannah's.  I think they are all doing really well and are just as excited when we stop moving and push the slides out at night as we are.  They love waking up to new sites out the windows each day.

Hannah is doing good too.  I am sooooo grateful to have her by my side.  She totally helps me out and together we move mountains!

It is sooooo cool to drive all day and be able to still sleep in your own bed at night.  It is amazing to wake up to my own coffee pot with the creamer just the way I like it right there waiting for me.  It is amazing to stop for lunch and be able to cook a grilled cheese and sit down at the dining table without having to eat another fast food burger.  This truly is an experience EVERYONE must do at least once in your life.

So this morning I am trying to get a bit of work done.  Oddly the internet is really good here (totally unheard of for RV parks).  So I am working and Hannah has a bit of school to accomplish.  I am sure that we put professional RVers to shame as we are NOT early rollers and we don't do things the way that most do.  It is kinda cool tho--we are our own bosses.  We blast the music when we want, we stop when we want and we go when we want.  We kinda need to get to Jackson in this life time, but with no agenda it is really fun to just "be".

So I leave you with this.  I challenge you today to do something you don't think you can do.  Something that you have been told is impossible.  Do something that is scary, do something that is beyond you.  Do it, nail it and be proud of it.  Yes of course you might fail.  If that's the case, try a different way.  Everything I have done in this RV has been accomplished by just doing it.  If it doesnt work then ya try something else.  Listen to the wisdom of those that know, but get your hands dirty.  Yes, folks, last winter I thawed out frozen pipes with a heating pad.  THERE IS A WAY TO DO EVERYTHING.  Go and make your life happen!  Leave the naysayers behind because you CAN do it, you ARE capable and you ARE worthy!!  LIVE YOUR LIFE, I promise you CAN do it!

Wishing you every little thing...

I have been getting inky again.  I don't know why I always seem to forget that getting inky is my therapy.  Therapy that I need to partake in OFTEN!  

I am sooo excited cause my friend Suzy Q and I have a monster INK-DOWN planned for tomorrow!  I am seriously lackin in my card supply and need to make it happen!  We always seem to get so much more accomplished together.  I love seeing her too and am looking forward to that.

Things are crazy busy and about to get busier.  I am soooooo excited!!  I love meeting up with all my friends.  I wish it was not to say good bye-- but it is still great seeing everyone.  Work is rocking it.  Chores around here are ever looming & of course I am still trying to take care of me and Hannah Banana!

So I got to play with all my mommy's toys when I went to Houston.  I love this set.  It was so cute and simple.  

I hope that every little thing in your world is amazing.  Know that I love you and am thinking of you!

Things are not always what they seem.

First of all, let me start this post out with me telling you that I am not writing this for sympathy.  In no way do I want you to say that you are sorry or that you feel bad for me.  Not even once do I want you to utter those words.  I am writing this however to help raise awareness about invisible diseases.  I am writing this to encourage everyone to be nice.  So many people are battling things that no one knows about and just because they look fine they are labeled by the many things that "sound" logical.

This photo was taken this morning.  I actually feel like I look pretty good today.  No, I am not bragging.  But what you don't see is this is the first day that I have actually not taken a nap.  It is the first day that I have been able to stand, drive, walk and do my daily things without losing all of my energy within minutes.  It is the first day that I have been able to focus and comprehend tasks.  The first day that my blood doesn't feel like it is going to run out of my skin because I can literally feel it going through my body.  It is the first time that my joints are working as they are supposed to.  For the first time in several weeks I am able to function as a normal person.

I have Hashimoto's Disease.  An autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid.  Did you know that that stupid little butterfly shaped thing in your neck can wreak havoc on everything from your hair and eyebrows to how your feet work?  

It causes a brain fog so thick that makes even the simplest tasks seem like rewriting the constitution.  When that happens people just say I am a ditz and cannot be taken seriously.

It causes manic mood swings.  Ones that add crazy and emotional to the ever growing list of labels.  Oh but let us not forget the overwhelming exhaustion.  Not the kind where you just need a good sleep.  I mean so tired that even blinking your eyes takes energy you do not have.  But then again...that is considered lazy.  Or maybe it is depression.

My thinning hair and my ever thinning eyebrows, obviously I just dont know how to style and I should put the tweezers down.

How bout the weight?  Step away from the cake piggy....yeah if only it were that simple.  Trust me, I have stepped away from the cake and my weight and I still battle.

These are just the symptoms that are visible to those around me.  These are the symptoms that I can not put make up on and hide.  

These bad days are also the days that very few people know about.  These are the days that I am unreachable or "out of the office". I don't want sympathy or slack.  I am not looking for any special treatment or anyone's pity.    

My recent flare is simply because of medication issue.  All of a sudden my thyroid has decided to work again.  Therefor my dose is way too high.  Unfortunately it takes weeks to detox and undo.  My disease, though awful at times is usually very very manageable.  I would say 98% of the time I feel really good.  I am fortunate.  

There are so many people out there with sicknesses, that are truly legitimate and real and people are quick to slap a label on them that makes sense to them.  To put them in a box and shrug them off.

Diabetes is offensive and people should not eat so much sugar (when in MOST cases - especially Type 1 sugar has ZERO to do with it).  My daughter is healthy and happy.  Most people don't know that she has a device that is connected to her by IV that keeps her alive-- unless you see her use it, you would never know. 

The fact is invisible diseases are real.  Be nice.  Help where you can because you never know when it might be you in need of that same help.  

If you too suffer from something that can't be seen know that I am on your side.  I understand and I care.  

I am going to leave you with this letter.  No, I didn't write it, but when people do not understand Hashmoto's there simply is not a better way to describe it.

Hi. My name is Hashimoto's. 

I'm an invisible autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid gland causing you to become hypothyroid.

I am now velcroed to you for life. If you have hypothyroidism, you probably have me. I am the number one cause of it in the U.S. and many other places around the world.

I'm so sneaky--I don't always show up in your blood work.

Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me.

I can attack you anywhere and any way I please.

I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and energy ran around together and had fun?

I took energy from you, and gave you exhaustion. Try to have fun now.

I can take good sleep from you and in its place, give you brain fog and lack of concentration.

I can make you want to sleep 24/7, and I can also cause insomnia.

I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal.

I can also give you swollen hands and feet, swollen face and eyelids, swollen everything.

I can make you feel very anxious with panic attacks or very depressed. I can also cause other mental health problems. You know crazy mood swings? That's me. Crying for no reason? Angry for no reason? That's probably me too.

I can make your hair fall out, become dry and brittle, cause acne, cause dry skin, the sky is the limit with me.

I can make you gain weight and no matter what you eat or how much you exercise, I can keep that weight on you. I can also make you lose weight. I don't discriminate.

Some of my other autoimmune disease friends often join me, giving you even more to deal with.

If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away from you. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:

That virus or viruses you had that you never really recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma (I thrive on stress.) You may have a family history of me. Whatever the cause, I'm here to stay.

I hear you're going to see a doctor to try and get rid of me. That makes me laugh. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively.

You will be put on the wrong medication for you, pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants.

There are so many other ways I can make you sick and miserable, the list is endless - that high cholesterol, gall bladder issue, blood pressure issue, blood sugar issue, heart issue among others? That's probably me.

Can't get pregnant, or have had a miscarriage?

That's probably me too.

Shortness of breath or "air hunger?" Yep, probably me.

Liver enzymes elevated? Yep, probably me.

Teeth and gum problems? TMJ?

Hives? Yep, probably me.

I told you the list was endless.

You may be given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away.

You'll be told to think positively, you'll be poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken seriously when you try to explain to the endless number of doctors you've seen, just how debilitating I am and how ill and exhausted you really feel. In all probability you will get a referral from these 'understanding' (clueless) doctors, to see a psychiatrist.

Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and just how debilitating I can be.

Some of them will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or "Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago.

They'll also say things like, "if you just get up and move, get outside and do things, you'll feel better." They won't understand that I take away the 'gas' that powers your body and mind to ENABLE you to do those things.

Some will start talking behind your back, they'll call you a hypochondriac, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially if you are in the middle of a conversation with a "normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next. You'll be told things like, "Oh, my grandmother had that, and she's fine on her medication" when you desperately want to explain that I don't impose myself upon everyone in the exact same way, and just because that grandmother is fine on the medication SHE'S taking, doesn't mean it will work for you.

They will not understand that having this disease impacts your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, and that every cell and every body system and organ requires the proper amount and the right kind of of thyroid hormone medication for YOU.....Not what works for someone else.

The only place you will get the kind of support and understanding in dealing with me is with other people that have me. They are really the only ones who can truly understand.

I am Hashimoto's Disease.

New Beginnings

OMIGOSH!  So much has been happening that I hardly know which end is up!

First and foremost I am DIVORCED!  I got so used to living in limbo that I truly did not think that it was ever going to happen.  WOW!  However with this great news came an emotional whiplash I was not quite prepared for.  A few days of being shellshocked and the realization that I am actually never going to be with my husband ever again was a lot to take in.  (NOT that I want to, mind you.)  Thankfully it did not last long and my apprehension was quickly replaced with my excitement for my future.

No, we have not yet left Tennessee as I have a few prior engagements that I need to take care of.  I am still trying to get around and see all of my friends and of course soak in as much of the South as I can.  I will miss it here.  Plus oh my gosh sooooo much to do to get the RV ready for travels!  YIKES!  Hopefully we will be pulling out of her before too long though.

The house did sell!  WOOHOOO!  I think it closes on the 14th so that will be good.  I miss my home.  I am grateful for the freedom I have now--the freedom to head west and go back to my people, but it is a beautiful home.  However the thought of even stepping foot into it again makes me nauseated to say the least so I guess it is definitely one of those God things.  He knows what's best.

Other news.  Heather is doing well in Oregon.  I miss her like crazy and cannot wait to visit her in the next month or so.  I love her to pieces!!!

I am doing well.  Have had a bit of medical craziness lately.  Nothing new, just my Hashimoto's flaring up.  A trip to the doc and lab results showed I had way too much meds in my system.  My numbers that were sposed to be high were low and the ones that were sposed to be low were high. That explains why I was having tremors, was unable to ever really sleep and seriously walked around with my head in the clouds all day.  The joint pain and heart palpitations I have kinda gotten used to, but the other was too much.  So I am fixing that and already feeling way better.  My new healthy lifestyle, weight loss and stress reduction seems to make my thyroid happy.  I am totally good with that.  However I am not so thrilled with the side effects of messed up meds.

Hannah is officially a Sophmore!!  She also just got her testing results back and she is testing way above her grade level.  I am so uber proud of her!  She is hoping to graduate early so she is working through the summers and hoping that the visits to her dad's won't slow her down.

I dont have anything inky to share right now.  I know that many of you were waiting for the update on us.

Both Hannah and I are good.  Seriously just very busy trying to get out of here, continue with school and work and have a little fun squished in between.

2016 Reading Challenge

Can you believe it we are seriously almost half way through this year??  OMISTARS 2016 is goin CrAzY!!!!  Have you been doing your reading???  I have so dang many books in the process that I don't know which end is up.  I love to read though.  

As recommended by a friend, I just finished The Drawing of Three, the 2nd book in Stephen King's The Dark Tower Series.  I was finally able to get through this when I downloaded it as an audio.  I gotta admit reading the actual book was soooo hard, the first book was even more difficult.   I was able to really get interested in the characters in this second book and I truly love who they are becoming but I am not sure if I will go on to read the rest of the books in the series or not.   Maybe some day I will pick them up again...for now though --I think I will let this one rest.

I have been reading My Journey With Maya, by Tavis Smiley.  Maya Angelou has to be one of the most beautiful people to ever existed in my personal opinion.  I absolutely adore her outlook on life.  Every single encounter that you read of is nothing more than beautiful and awe striking.  There are so many things in my life that I am not proud of.  I have done and said some horrible things to people.  Some I regret, some not so much.  However as I grow, I try desperately to show love.  To encourage others to believe in themselves and to be the very best that they can be. One of her quotes that I just adore is Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud.  I absolutely LOVE this.  We ALL have battles that we are fighting.  We ALL have things that we are going through.  Maybe our smile or our "Good Job" can make all the difference in the world to someone else.  Rainbows and Clouds are always going to be a part of life.  Wouldn't it be great if we were all a little more rainbowy rather than cloudy?

I have read countless E-Books lately too.  I am also reading two other paper back books but I will save those to share with you another day.  How are YOU doing on your reading lists?  I hope you are reading some!

Some People Come In & Out of Your Life

It has been a tough week or so.  I have said good bye to dear people.  

One in particular taught me to look within for my self worth.  This person taught me how to laugh again after I was pretty sure I had forgotten.  They taught me to smile and to look at myself with kinder eyes.  They taught me to be true to myself and keep my chin up no matter what was thrown at me.  I will be forever grateful for all of that.  

Having said all of that, I no longer will take people just for their word.  Not that I need gifts (however if you would like to send me flowers or chocolates they will not be turned away ☺) but I need to see actions.  If you are a go getter, let me see it.  Have you changed?  Prove it.  Wanta be in my life?  Show me.

Things have been crazy busy for me.  No, no real news in the idea of my divorce, but I guess it will happen when it is supposed to.  I hope and pray it is in my lifetime (yes that would be lovely).  

I have been getting inky again.  Ahhh yes, my true passion.

I have also been writing more in my book.  I have befriended the awesome Regan Black --such an amazing writer.  Anyways she does these AMAZING Periscopes every morning talking about different tips and how to get past writer's block and all that.  It has been amazing.  I think I am around 11,000 words.  I am sure that about 6,000 of those will be deleted but hey--I like the big numbers right now.  :)  I am so excited to be writing.  I had no idea that this story was hidden within me.  It has truly been a lot of fun to live out.

....She waited for him to call.  She waited for some sign that he was just as upset as she was. However, deep in her gut, she knew that the phone was not going to ring.  She realized that this truly was the end and that she needed to pick up the pieces of her heart and move on.  

She was not so much upset that she was left alone, but rather that she had invested so heavily in the dream.  She had believed so intensely that they could prove to the world that their love was stronger than the statistics; the ones that had told them that they were fighting a losing battle.  She felt a fool for believing they could rise above the odds.  After all, who did she think she was? She was no princess and her life was certainly no fairy tale....

Life is GOOD

I love the debates that have come up from my recent post.  Watching life long friends walk away has also been enlightening.  Almost comical.

 I am in no way defending myself or my beliefs but I strongly believe I need to clarify a couple of things. First, I believe in the Bible.  I never once said that I did not.  I believe that God is the creator of all.  He is the alpha and omega.  When I say that God is everything I simply mean he is in EVERYTHING that is in the world.  If he is in my work, my personal life, my family's life and everything I do, then is He not everything?

I believe in LOVE.  No judgement.  You can believe whatever you believe it is NOT my job to convert you.  It is also not my job to decide that what you believe is right or wrong.  I simply am sharing with you how I feel.  God is good, All the time.

I have been soooo busy this week!  I cannot even begin to tell you the great things that are happening with me.  However I can tell you that my new outlook on life and how I am conducting myself has moved mountains.  

Insight NOT Eyesite

You'd better getchya a cuppa coffee and pull up a chair.  This post is gonna be a bit winded.  This past weekend I was blessed to be able to attend a Celebrate Your Life conference.  It was PHENOMENAL!!  

Now.  This is where I might lose some of my dearly beloved friends.  This is where I might offend some of you.  I only hope that you will stay with me until I am finished with this post.  However if not, that is ok too.  

I grew up not associating with church and organized religion of any kind.  Many of my friends were mormons and I attended many of their social activities.  I enjoyed myself but again, I never went there on a Spiritual level.  Church was always SOCIAL.  Then when I moved to the South.  The Bible Belt.  I was quickly taught that Jesus was our savior, that I now had this book that was full of rules that I needed to follow.  I was taught who was acceptable as people and what was acceptable of those accepted people.  I was taught "right from wrong" and I was taught that I was better than everyone because I was a "Christian".  It was those same beliefs that taught me to have a melt down when my darling child came out to me that she was lesbian.  It was those same thoughts that told me to tell family members that I adored, that because of their actions they were simply going to hell.  

I have seen memes all over social media telling me that if your religion tells you to hate someone -- that is NOT God.  I never really grasped this, until now.

Since stepping away from the church and essentially resenting organized religion I have been floundering.  Never ONCE has my faith in God faltered, but many other aspects of my Christian faith have.  I have awakened knowing that I should be studying my scriptures and going to church, but since I was angry, I'd neglect it, which of course has lead to more bad feelings.  

People, God is not like that.  God's rules are sooooooooooooo simple.  Love.  Love yourself.  Love others.  Love the trials and tribulations.  Simply Love.  No words to tell me I am doing something wrong.  No words to tell me that I am better than someone else simply because they are different from me.  However the biggest one that I am learning is to love myself.  ME.  Love ME.  I am worthy.  If I don't love me, forget it, ain't no one else getting in the gate.  The Bible is full of Christian stories.  In no way am I saying that the Bible is false, I am simply saying it is no longer my shelter.  My shelter is in God.  God alone.  I do not need to feel the guilt of not studying, I do not need a church to tell me that I am better than someone else because I was there.  Will I attend church again, oh of course I will...however my views will be completely different.

God's already done all He is going to do, except for what he does through you and I.  So it is up to us to send love out and broaden our love.

What is really really remarkable is that I had a bit of business to handle with my almost-ex this morning and it was peaceful.  I wasn't trying to figure out his hidden agenda or get one up on him.  It was simply an exchange of information that ended with "Have a great day"---I gotta admit a few weeks ago my little mind would so have twisted that 4 word sentence and wondered what THAT was supposed to mean.  I am still angry and upset with the events that have happened.  I still feel like I was definitely wronged and that I did wrong as well, but that is NOT who I am. My past does NOT define me and I have to stop with that.  What I have perceived to have happened, may or may not have.  It doesn't matter, it is not who I am.

Did you know that the average person only sees 4% of what is actually happening??  That means that 96% we do not see.  Is that not astonishing???  We are soooo small in the realm of our world.  We are basing our opinions on 4% of the entire picture.  4% of who we are as individuals.  I don't know about you--but I am greater than 4%.  I know that God and the world has more for me than 4%!!!

Everything is God, God is everything.  Really look at that sentence.  If God is love and everything is God, doesn't that mean that everything is love?  If we emit love then we will get love.  If we emit gratefulness then we will receive more things to be grateful for.  Have you ever had a bad day and it seems like there is just one thing that happens after another.  From hitting your head on a cabinet to dropping your favorite earring down the sink.  Then you get in your car and just can't seem to catch a break in the rush hour traffic.  Your boss seems to be in a particular nit picky mood and then you get to go home and face all of the trials of making your darling family happy as well.  All day you have cussed, and yelled and had thoughts of anguish.  All day you have been miserable...so all day you have attracted misery.  You contracted a virus of the mind and slowly it infected every aspect of your day.  All thoughts are not equal, so be very careful of which ones you allow to take up real estate in your mind.  Of course everyone has bad days.  I am certainly guilty.  However it is up to us to stop the insanity and take control of them.  Remember that we are NOT our mind.  We HAVE a mind.  We are NOT our thoughts.  We have thoughts.  No thing can take away from us because the universe is abundant.  What God wants us to have is already there we just need to ask for it.

HELP > Hello Eternal Loving Presence

Once we ask for help are we receptive of it?  Can I really commit to feeling good about myself?  Can I commit to celebrating myself?

I know that I have a huge upper limit problem. A glass ceiling that keeps me at a certain level.  Not too much success.  Not too much love.  Not too much happiness.  My entire life has shaped and molded how high (or low rather) that ceiling can be.  So of course when I start hitting my head on this ceiling I self-sabotage.  Beating myself back down, blowing up my relationships, procrastinating and ignoring my work, being mean to my physical body.  I KNOW that I am great, but my mind is programmed to stop that from getting out of hand.  So feeling good about ourselves takes commitment.  Breaking thru the limitations of that will take time and dedication.  Remember tho that this glass ceiling is a perception.  Remember the 4%?  You are soooo much bigger than that!

Our conscience is so much bigger than our physical beings.  Our identity limits us.  We are worthy of amazing things, we simply just have to embrace them and not settle into our own percepted personas.  If you squeeze an orange, you will get orange juice.  It doesn't matter if you squeeze it or if I squeeze it or if we run over it with a car, it will still only give us orange juice.  So it is our job to insure that we, like the orange are sure of our inner self and are full of love.  We are only capable of focusing on one thing.  Make that one thing love.  Reduce the noise of fear and self doubt.  Always always always remember that you are a spiritual being having a human experience.  If we just pay attention, the miracles are all around us.  We must stop talking about great things and DO great things.  I want to see the people making changes in the world, not quoting scriptures about how to do it.  Let me see you.  I want to BE a doer as well.  I want people to go towards God because they see me living with faith, not because I have TOLD them about it.  However in that same sentence it is not a DO DO DO thing, it is a BE thing.  I want to BE more loving.  I want to BE more helpful.  I want to BE more empowering to others.

When you look into the eyes of another you can simply focus on nothing but their beauty.  You can focus on NOTHING but emitting love and compassion to that person.  However when we look in the mirror, how often do we see that our eyebrows need tweezed or that it is time to schedule a teeth cleaning or that we need to add a few more hours of sleep to our routine?  How often do we look at the beauty within our soul?  I know that I dont EVER!  We must remember that we are each love.  We need to start with SELF LOVE.

We are a headline culture.  People don't want in depth perceptions.  They simply want little bits.  The world wants you to dislike yourself.   If you have a body that you are not happy with, that is a problem and of course if you have a problem then someone can sell you something to fix that problem.  How strange would it be if we all practiced self love.  How strange would it be if we were simply content with ourselves?  The invisible prison that we live in would simply lose its grasp on us.  I mean face it, if we didn't have "problems" we wouldn't have a need for all these products and without that need many businesses simply close up shop.  We have fear that is embedded in us. 

A baby is not born with fear.  They are born with needs.  They demand that their needs are met.  However as those same babies age they are taught that the world does not actually revolve around them.  Their successes and needs are NOT all that matter in the world.  Why not?  Why is it that celebrating ourselves is looked poorly upon?  One of the biggest things I want to work on is to be truthful to myself.  I am going to be who I am.  People will either adjust or they will move on.  Period.  End of story.  No longer will I be made to feel less of myself.  I have amazing talents and I am going to embrace them---I have beliefs  and I am going to embrace them---I have love and I am going to embrace it.  Disagree with any of those that is okay, you can leave my life.  One thing I have expressed so deeply to my friends and to my kids, is never ever settle.  So why do I do it so much?  Hmmm....food for thought.  However, NO ONE learns without getting it wrong.

Another speaker made the brilliant comment that our society has taught us that being sad is wrong.  We all have traumatic happenings.  Our parents die, we get divorced, we lose friends or jobs or many other things...but society doesn't seem to want to wait for us to grieve.  I have been in the midst of a horrible divorce.  I have never allowed myself to be sad for that.  I would take offense if someone asked if I was depressed.  Me?  No!  I am stronger than depression.  However yeah I do have moments that Im lost and sad about my past.    You know what though?  THAT IS OK!!!!!  Wow.  How freeing is it?  I know that I cant camp out there.  I cant dwell in the coulda, shoulda, wouldas, but allowing myself the freedom to hold memories and reminisce is so empowering!  We need to give ourselves permission to feel the entire emotional processes.  

Falling down is an equal opportunity employer.  Tragedies don't care who you are.  They happen.  Fall downs teach us to let go and surrender.  But God is Intentional.  Everything is working for the greater good for you.  So if everything happens for a reason why then do we get so wrapped up in the negativity?  We must remember that our eyes will adjust to whatever level we set our sites on.  There is prey and predators within each of us.  I don't know about you---but I am sick of being victim to society, to myself and to that which is happening around me.  I am NOT a victim.  I am NOT the things that have happened to me.  I am NOT the bad decisions I have made in the past.  I am love.  I love my almost-ex.  Sure I am not so thrilled with some things he has done, but you know what--they made me who I am.  We had some magnificent times together as well.  My childhood was crazy at times, again no resentment, only love. 

The amount of peace that came over me in these two days was insurmountable. For the first time in months I was able to let go of the guilt.  I was able to just be happy within myself.  

So at this conference I had the pleasure of hearing:  Michael Beckwith & Rickie BB , Gay Hendricks , Jean Houston , Bryant McGill , Marianne Williamson , Anita Moorjani , Sunny Dawn Johnston , and Iyanla Vanzant .  I took over 30 pages of notes.  I wish so much that I could convey how much knowledge each person had.  Each and every single one of them brought something to the table but all had the same message:

  God is everything, everything is God.  

You CANNOT fail.  God is working for your goodness and if He

is in everything you do, then there is no failure.

So I have a new outlook on life, on my faith and on who I want to be.  My prayer is to ask for help each and every day.  To lean on God, not on words.  My prayer is to BE love.  I want to embrace the fall downs and cling to up swings!  I want to empower others with nothing more than LOVE.  Simple love.

I had a good visit with my mom in Houston.  I got to go to iFly (Skydiving flight simulator) and it was sooooo much fun!!  I cannot wait to do it for real some day!!  It was a whirlwind trip, but it was so awesome to break away from here.

So here we are a CARD~ hahahaha.  I did get to play with mom's toys while there.  It felt good to get inky again.  Hoping to do it more and more!

Anyways---Ya all...go.  Go right now and live the best life you can.  Live with love and peace and embrace the abundance that is out there just waiting for you to ask.